Graduate school deadlines are approaching... I just wish everything was over and done with and I was faced with the lovely decision of which school to pick from the acceptances.
I've been worried about this for four years and it's actually here and I'm actually filling these suckers out. Hadn't done so many apps since high school. but much easier then. I guess what's really bugging me are letters of recommendation. You can't believe how I've thought about them over the years. Every class, I worried about not going to office hours, every job I worried I didn't do enough to merit anyone's time for letters. My list shortened and grew little by little, oscillating every class and every job. But I've actually even gone past the hard job of asking. I've asked... now, do they care enough to actually remember and spend time?

See, I'm still very naive, don't know much about what people actually think sometimes, lucky that I haven't had to face a lot of problems in my life, but I wondering when I'll get hit. Yup, I think I waste a lot of time and effort in worrying about stuff that I shouldn't have worried about. Once I realize that, I go on to worry about newer things that I think should be worried about, but most likely in the end, not worth it either.

My NSF recommendation is due Wednesday. I've emailed reminders to the three that haven't turned it in. I've realized how grateful I am to Prof. Christou, every week he was the one who let me know that he was gonna do it. I didn't have to say a thing and he didn't owe me anything either. This is in contrast to the other three. Well, one of them is okay. He submitted it today, but was that because he expects me to do future stuff for him? Another one totally doesn't care, he ignores all my emails, haven't heard from him in two months, not even sure if he even read my last email. And this annoys me since he owes me. Yes he does. I worked very hard last year without pay in order to accrue this debt of a letter and such, but I guess he just takes my work for granted. And the last one, I feel very bad about. Yes I worked very hard for the past two years, but he doesn't know that, he only knows now that I'm not doing any work. Does he even realize how busy undergraduates can get? It's not like I'm lazy, I will work hard if given specific details and expectations, and he doesn't do that. So I'm once again left to wonder on my own what I should work on and that never gets anything done, because I don't feel like spending too much time on something that no one wants in the first place. So...the only thing to wonder is, are letters a duty or can they be retribution? I have no idea. I feel I should deserve some time from people after all my work. After all, so many people ask profs that don't even recognize them for letters and they still get them done. Why is this happening to me?? Am I just being overly dramatic again? If I am, don't tell me, cuz I'll just worry about that too. hehehehe....man...