I felt that I had to add a "happy" entry after that last sorta depressing one.

The good stuff in my life:
* my family (my parents who think of stuff that i've forgotten to do sometimes and my cool bro who has taken to buying stuff for me since he's got a great job and i'm a poor grad student)
* my friends who always keep in touch and make sure i'm doing okay (sorry about last nite linda!)
* my advisor who takes care of me and remembers every question i ask in seminars
* my fav prof who still wants to talk to me and see how i'm doing (yay for skype!)
* all the friendly peeps in my department (seriously, they are so nice!)
* my finally pierced ears! sparkly!! =)
* my mini-rose
* the great weather at Berkeley
* campus night-time shuttles that take me home safely late at night
* great music
* plus tons of other junk that make me smile =)

no worries, i'm still a happy peppy person! just a little bogged down by grad life...

I'm starting to feel like I have no leeway of doing better in graduate school.
This week has been super busy and super tiring...

* I studied and worked all of spring break, except for a hangout and some shopping.
* I've been working more than 12 hour days lately, staying in my office til 10pm or later.
* All this work and I feel that I haven't produced anything adequate, it seems like half-hearted attempts at everything.
* I still haven't finished homework that is due at 2pm today as I'm writing this to complain about skool.

So, having not experienced life without school, what would it be like for me? I've been so tired lately that I wonder for what real goal am I pressuring myself to work this hard to the point that I don't have time for long meals, laundry or even taking out the trash. I have not slept a full 8 hours in awhile too. Most of the time, I'm kept company by my plant on my desk and my music.

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later
discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

It's nice being home and having someone take care of you for a bit. =)

Gosh, I have so much work to do though...quite scary.

On the other hand, I'm getting excited about what I might be able to get into: helping in cancer research, something I've wanted to do since high school. Hopefully I am capable of doing something or was going to graduate school a mistake?

My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just to enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate.

-Thornton Wilder

Headache yesterday
Threw up twice
And had to intermittantly sleep from 4-12 with the throwing up in between

Two days ago, headache
Took two pills
Caffeine intake
Happy peppy for over 12 hours
To do my job for the department

Didn't get any work done.
Big trouble.
Feel better this morning
Feel better in general about life now that
Advisor cares
Research and retreat
So little time
To prove
Self

Berkeley Stats dept visit day today and last night I just really realized that my life has changed since I've been here and I can't go back to what I was doing before. And the path to today is clear now. Still so much to learn.

I was just thinking for a moment yesterday of all the times a person's name gets mentioned in the past and at that time, you have no idea how much that person is going to affect your life in the future. For instance, three years ago, I was reading a paper that was proving useful for my work, and I'm the sort of person who likes to know who did what and where, so of course I noticed who the first author was, but back then, I didn't realize that the high importance of the last author (PI). So I was discussing this paper with my (very smart) ex boss and he said sure, that's [so-and-so]'s stuff and I was like noooooo, that wasn't the name on the paper... and was feeling just a bit annoyed [in general, not at my boss] that it seemed like I didn't know whose work I was reading about when I had taken special notice of it in the first place. Anyways, haha, to cut down a very lame story already, that time my boss mentioned that name was the very first time I ever heard my advisor's name. And then to think, I didn't know that at the time, and even now, I'm just starting, I still have no idea the extent of the impact on my life.

Similarly with my close friends of course. Who knew when we first met that you'd be dealing with me for years and years and years???=)

On the wrapper of a Dove Dark Chocolate:

"Flirting is mandatory"

What's good to eat:

Blueberries and walnuts in raspberry vinaigrette

Forgot to mention:



I got a free Samsung 256mb USB drive yesterday for sleeping through a Samsung seminar given by the CEO of Samsung Semiconductors division. =) Yay for me!

I should try to post some things about what's going on with my life, but most of the time, I just don't feel like revisiting whatever I did that day, plus I have such a lousy memory. Everytime my roommates ask me how my day I was, I stare blankly off into space while I try to recount what the heck I did that day.

Self-esteem has been on a rollercoaster these days. Prospective students are coming to visit the department next week. And as most of you may already have guessed, yes, I googled them. Man, such talented smart people! I feel so stupid and lazy and again, why did I even get into this program in the first place? What were the profs on the admissions committee thinking when they got to my app last year??? I had applied to schools so naively...if I really knew the situation, I'd been much more scared and then more excited when I got in. But maybe not knowing that I wasn't such a good candidate would have just worried me too much while waiting. Oh wells, now I just have to keep trying so they don't kick me out...

And then on another note, my advisor is just terrific, couldn't have a more caring person to guide me into the exciting world known as ..... research! Yeah, I'm kind of surprised also that I got into graduate school without much research experience in the first place. My CV looks nice and all, but I wouldn't consider two-thirds of it as even research. I'd call it "working" in a research environment. What is research? At my last internship, the computer programmer said programming was like research, trying to find which code/algorithm worked best... Well, if so, I certainly did a lot of research, ehehehe... definitely used my brain a lot trying to figure out bugs and algorithms. But in terms of actual research, I'm not sure...



Anyways, enough about school. (Is that all I talk about? Yes, well, that's my life as of now.) I finished reading Haruki Murakami's 1987 book "Norwegian Wood". It's pretty good, it started off slow for me, but then the narration got quite interesting, ala Catcher in the Rye style. I really felt close to the characters, but I wouldn't mind if Murakami wouldn't include so much unnecessary sex in there. I don't see how blowjobs are central to the love story. It's kinda weird book, but then everyone says it's Murakami's "normal" book, compared to his other really weird books, one of which I'm going to start reading soon, "A Wild Sheep Chase".