I think I worry too much.

I worry that I worry too much.

Is that too much worrying?

Yeah, it's weird, there are times when I feel like I'm worthy of things and then, there are times when I feel like the ugliest, dumpiest and dumbest person in the world. Too bad I can't bottle up some of the good times for use for the bad times. =)

So now I've put myself in a semi-bad dilemma, wondering if hoping for something that'll probably never happen and shouldn't is preventing me from opportunities here in Berkeley. Sigh... as Tammy says, I'm getting old and I should probably act like an adult, though I'm not, partially through my fault and somewhat not my fault (as some of you close friends well know)... Who says I have to be like everyone else when I turn 24? Just because I've never dated before doesn't mean I'm weird! Actually, yeah, it probably does! =) Oh wells! I'll just be alone for the rest of my life, no biggie.

Pics from UCLA workshop last week:
http://stat.ucla.edu/~cocteau/summer/narrative.html

i'm not so happy anymore, perhaps it's just hormones, perhaps it's because i'm stupid, perhaps things can't always go right in life, perhaps i am happy but just don't know it

I'm working in my office on a Saturday.

I really don't feel smart in grad school.

But hopefully, "genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration" is true. =)

Found this on someone else's blog:

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."
~ Anonymous

Treadmill
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Calories : 487
Miles : 3.99
Time : 45.00

It's getting scary how much information is available on the internet these days.

All you need is a persistent and patient person (like me) and you find out so many things.

I know that people who know me are reading my blog. I guess my self-esteem figures that no one really cares that much about me to read my blog regularly or even remember what I write, thus I do write about my life as a grad student, knowing full well that people in my department or other departments could be reading it. I have tried to be not too revealing about anything, but hopefully, whatever I write won't come back to bite me in the future.

So here comes the point of why I even started writing this entry in the first place. I got bored tonite (I seriously couldn't force myself to finish watching The Phantom of the Opera!) and I got onto Friendster to see if friends have updated anything. And the stalker in me decides to search some names that I never thought of before but only now because of recent events. And anyways, I sorta hit jackpot on one person and found out something that I never knew or even sensed about that person. That just got way too weird for me. See how scary this is getting? I guess many people know that I'm good at searching for stuff online about people (even one guy, you know who you are, told me to just stop). I don't know, I can't, this is part of who I am, I'm inherently curious about other people's lives.

So now, I feel like I want to tell someone, anyone, about what I found. But I realize it's not even that big of a deal, it's just that the thought of what I read never ever occurred to me the many many times I've associated with this person. So not only that now, I feel a bit sad for whoever I know is single but not as young as I am. I always figured I'd be married with a family by that age. And for some reason, I always thought this person had a newborn baby. I don't think that's possible now.

Sometimes I think this obsession I have is a talent, other times, not so much. People get freaked out if other people know things about them that they don't realize, I know since I would get that way if anyone deliberately tried to find things about me. Mostly because of the previous reason I wrote, that my self-esteem won't allow for people to spend any time thinking about me at all.

happy birthday tam tams! you's a getting ooooold! ;o)

I had quite the eventful trip back to UCLA these past few days.

Our (Terry, Soyeon and I) trip from Oakland to LAX on United was supposed to be at 5:29pm, in order to make it to the 7pm banquet at IPAM (UCLA). We got to the airport quite early (4pm). And then what the heck, the flight became delayed again and again until the woman up front mentions that it "probably will be cancelled." And this is already almost 7pm, fine, we missed the banquet, but still need to get to LA by tomorrow! So we're in a loooong line, until Terry uses his United VIP status (almost one million flyer miles) to get all three of us transferred to another flight. OUT OF SFO!! Anyhoo, once it was confirmed, we hightailed it out of Oakland airport to make it to our new 8:45pm flight to LAX from San Francisco. After a pretty pricey cab ride to SF, we got there to find out that Soyeon and I got transferred successfully to the flight while Terry's was on the next night! Yes, United is that great. So, anyhoo, he luckily got a seat on the correct flight. And then b/c of Terry's high status, we got to hang out for a bit in the Red Carpet Club before the flight. Man, our dinner that night consisted of some cherry tomatoes, celery sticks, carrots, crackers, cheese and juice. Haha, it was a nice experience though, hanging out with Terry and Soyeon throughout three airports that night.

We FINALLY got to LAX by almost 10pm, took our third cab ride of the night to the Doubletree hotel on Wilshire in Westwood. Deb, Duncan and Mark had been hanging out at the bar area and thus greeted us when we approached the front desk. And here is where maybe I shoulda kept my mouth shut: the hotel guy in the front was extremely funny dude, so anyways, I had to give him a credit card in case I ordered things that the program wasn't going to pay for. So this hotel guy starts listing things that might be additional charge on my card and then... in front of other hotel people, Soyeon AND my advisor Terry, I added a thing that he hadn't remembered to mention :

"Porn."

Man, the hotel guy started really cracking up, and said "OH, my virgin ears!" Haha, anyhoo, I have no idea what my advisor thought, hopefully he thinks I'm funny? =)

So apparently, Nicolas thought I was going to be at the 7pm banquet and actually went there to look for me, as Deb told me that night when I got to the hotel. I had called him earlier to tell him about the delay, but didn't when it got cancelled, thinking that he wouldn't care enough to wait until 7pm to see me in the first place. But I was happy he did, he got a great dinner (that I was supposed to have had) and he got to meet Deb and John Rice (after teaching out of his book for so many years). And I'm glad I got to tell Deb and Terry about the major impact that Nicolas has had on my academic life. Anyhoo, that night in the hotel bar was fun. I shared a room with Soyeon that night and we talked for a bit about her boyfriend (I wish I was as lucky as her, since she has truly found the one.) Sleeping in Westwood that night was kinda weird for me, but very nice.

Woke up at 6am the next day to get ready and make sure I didn't miss breakfast (after missing dinner the previous night, I was so hungry!). Anyways, had breakfast in the hotel at 7am after we spotted Terry there. After that, Deb, Terry, Duncan, Soyeon and I walked to the 9th floor lab in Boelter (I had spent many days there for stat labs.).

The day mostly consisted of two of Terry's lectures, and two parts of the lab. If you wanna take a lookie: www.stat.berkeley.edu/users/frances/UCLA Gosh, those undergrads are SMART! I can truly say that the trip to UCLA did make me feel stupid, but I was very happy that I got to participate in a panel of grad students to talk about grad school. I LOVE grad skool! So they are lucky they picked me to talk eh? =) I found out that Deb remembered that I took forever to decide where to go to grad skool last year; since I was UCLA undergrad and Berkeley grad, I had to talk about why I chose Berkeley and what the differences were. I think I handled that well, hopefully not insulting anyone! Some people can't take jokes, serious!! This other grad student from UCLA was so dead on my case about my jokes during the panel, yet she was selfish in talking about herself and how Berkeley sucked. I never said anything bad about either school: I love both!! Oh wells, that's just her personality, I'm just glad I'm not her classmate (or her academic sibling, cuz she's decided on the advisor I was planning on if I had stayed at UCLA). Throughout all this, Terry had come in to listen, during the middle of it, I had noticed he wasn't there. So I just kept talking and giving comments to questions the undergrads asked, without realizing that he was sitting on the ground in the BACK and listening to everything that was said! Hahaha, I hope I didn't say anymore "insulting" things. I really had to tell those undergrad privately how LUCKY they were to have Terry available to them for an entire day when he's so busy, and how renowned he is. Some were really impressed and asked more about grad school life. So I'm glad this has helped a bit in persuading more students to seriously think about graduate school since I have been on the other end of these sort of panels many times and it's great hearing from grad students.

After the end of the panel, Deb, Duncan, Mark, Terry, Soyeon and I had dinner at Eurochow. Terry loves their food and I've never been there in the 5 years I was in Westwood. I can't afford that fancy place! =) Anyways, so pretty inside! And you know you're in a fancy schmancy place when the menus don't list a single price! We shared the appetizers and all of us ate a main course and dessert, I ate soo much, they were laughing at how I "inhaled" my dessert (tiramisu). Anyways, Duncan ended up treating us all to dinner, I really appreciated it. It was quite an experience (dining and conversation wise ;o) ) After dinner, Terry left in a cab for Australia again and Soyeon and I met up with my parents to go home.

Apparently my parents recognized Terry outside of RiteAid getting money out of the ATM. They said he's very quick, dude, you can't even begin to imagine how fast we were walking/running in all three airports: OAK->SFO->LAX. =)

So, my parents drove Soyeon to her relative's house and I got to sleep in my own bed that night.

I forgot to mention that I was so busy that day (I had to work through lunch!), that I had no time to see much of Nicolas. I had to sneak out of lab a few times to see him for a few minutes. I'm not even sure if he came to campus just for me; if he did, I'm very grateful. The third time I sneaked out of lab ( I did work in lab, serious!!), his door was closed! I was so disappointed! Anyways, you know me, I decided to go check the bus stop. I recognized him from very very far ahead and thus I made a huge sprint in his direction and finally caught up with him. Hopefully he was pleasantly surprised (instead of thinking "STALKER!!"). It was very nice being able to talk to him for a few more minutes until his bus came. Man, I'm just glad I wasn't too late in catching up with him. I had to go back at 4:55pm for the grad student panel, but before that, he did something that I didn't expect, but it was nice.

So overall, great trip back! I missed UCLA, and I'm so glad I got to see Mark and Nicolas again. They are always so nice to me! I feel proud being a statistics grad student. Haha, how great life has turned out. =)

Oh gosh, I just bought a hair straightener and it's making my hair so nice and smooth and straight and soft... why the heck didn't I ever think about using one before? I guess I'm still learning about myself. Oh those days of unnecessary burning of hair...

10 Sexy Reasons To Get Healthy
by Carolina Diaz-Bordon

I see something so sexy inside of you. It’s not just way you are always ready for adventure or the way your cheeks are red and full of life.

It’s not just the way you always have calmness in your voice and a constant radiance shining from your skin. It’s not just the fact that you are always full of energy and confidence or even that your behind looks mighty good in that outfit. It’s a combination of all those things and the secret behind it is your good health.

The benefits of being healthy, both physically and mentally, are infinite. If you give your body what it needs, it will show you its gratitude by showering you with sex appeal. No matter what your specific physical characteristics look like, if you’re healthy you’re strong both physically and mentally.

If you feel good you look good, if you look good you feel good -- the combination is what makes you so enchanting.

The reason having good health makes you feel alive is that it allows you to live your life to its fullest potential. Wellness triggers good spirits by eliminating all the distress and anguish which can take place without it.

When your body is fit and your mind is sound, all the doors are open for you. There are no roadblocks stopping you from doing the things you love. When you have health, you hold the world in your hands and the unstoppable never fails to draw attention because it’s so incredibly sexy

Here’s a list of the top 10 sexiest reasons for you to get healthy:

1. Increased energy that will keep you going and going and going
2. Firmer everything
3. Flexibility
4. Radiant skin
5. Sharper and faster at handling situations
6. Increased mental acuity
7. Less stress and anxiety, more peace and enjoyment
8. Waking up refreshed and vibrant due to better sleep
9. Less time spent being sick, more time spent with the ones you love
10. Increased confidence and self-esteem

I'm getting worried with my basic math skills.

TWICE in 4 days, I've not been able to give the right amount of cash for small purchases.

Thursday : Ice cream sandwich - costs 1.25, I gave the guy 6 quarters; he gave me back one quarter.

Sunday : Ice tea - costs 1.49, I gave the guy 3 dollars; he gave me back one dollar.

Argh! What's wrong with me?

I'M HAPPY! =)

Treadmill
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Calories : 619
Miles : 5.00
Time : 60.00

just watched mr. and mrs. smith, i liked it!! it's hilarious! =)

I'm a coming back to UCLA!!!

UCLA Statistics is hosting a summer program (http://summer.stat.ucla.edu) for undergrads to get them interested in applied statistics, and my advisor is the feature speaker on the 21th. Terry is going to give a lecture on bioinformatics and I get to be his TA! =) How cool is that? This is great, I love to brainwash those younguns into liking statistics against their will! It's incredible but I've gone so far, and now it's my turn to help influence young students and help shape their careers like so many great people have done for me when I was a few years younger. Fantastic! Perhaps some of these talented undergrads will be collaborators in the future!

And a minor sidenote: I get to stay at a hotel in Westwood!! After 5 years at UCLA and 1 year at Berkeley, I will finally experience hotel life there, hahah! =)

And another minor sidenote: this also means I will get to make sure that Terry meets Nicolas when we get to UCLA! Terrific! The two most important people in my academic life.

calories miles time
============================
elliptical 51 0.5 5.00
treadmill 144 1.20 13.00
elliptical 353 3.65 35.00

Random pic of the day : a rose in front of the garage at home in El Monte after my very last day of living at home last summer

Random pic of the day : my desk on the day I moved into my room in Berkeley last August

Treadmill
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Calories : 499
Miles : 4.02
Time : 47:45

One current wish is that my two best mentors meet each other for the first time in two weeks.

I watched Beauty and the Geek for the first time. The women and men are at such extremes! I know I'm more on the geek side, but I and I'm sure the majority of people know the answers to those questions. Anyways, I'm just bored, so I decided to watch. Is this going to rot my brain? Probably, but whatevers. So, what should I do? Spend more time on appearance and keep mind sharp at the same time? Is that something that should be strived for? Adequate foundation of mental, physical and social fitness? I really don't know where I stand in terms of all of these things. Many times I think I'm just okay in intelligence, and there are times when I find out that many people don't think like I do; and other times I think I look okay when I really dress and walk like a dork!
Who would actually think about doing a show like that? I guess it's a learning experience for all of them.

Something to negate the previous entry:

Scharffen Berger 62% Cacao Mocha Dark Chocolate Bar

3 ounces
440 calories
140 calories from fat
82% DV saturated fat

but oh so good and expensive

This is what I get for working across the street from a chocolate factory! =)

Treadmill
--------------
Calories : 536
Miles : 4.29
Time : 53.00

i have a feeling that summer is going to go quite well ;o)

"The beauty of education is that it has to do with falling in love. The best teachers are usually the most profound, stimulating human beings, capable of inspiring in their students a love of the subject matter that rivals their own. So teaching is really an erotic process, especially when you toss in physical beauty and kindness on top of intellectual prowess."

I PASSED PRELIM STAGE OF THE PHD PROGRAM!!! =) WHOOHOOOOO!!!

My new job



Lawrence Berkeley National Lab at Potter St. Berkeley

http://www.lbl.gov/potterstreet/

Random rose pic